


You are the reason why i'm alive.

by Thisbloodyshank



Category: The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Gally is mean, Has a poem in it, I'M NOT DEAD, M/M, Newt loves Thomas, Oblivious!Newt, Oblivious!Thomas, Thomas has thoughts, attempted suicide, bad ones, but im back with another, but not really, depressed!thomas, dont worry, if youre interested, thomas loves newt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5013802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thisbloodyshank/pseuds/Thisbloodyshank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas lives a good life, a perfect one in fact, but his mind thinks the opposite. He knows it's stupid to think that way, but he can't help it. His days become longer for him and he's getting more tired everyday. He needs a miracle, He needs Newt by him. </p><p>And Newt he will get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are the reason why i'm alive.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back and not dead! I made this in one day, which I mostly don't do to my fanfics but I felt like I owed you guys newtmas! so sorry if there's spelling or grammar mistakes, ill go over it eventually. Thanks for reading, sweethearts.

Secretly, Thomas was a fucked up kid. Simple as that, he was like a bomb, slowly ticking off until he gets home from school, then the last few seconds goes off and he explodes. When he was “fine” he was the happiest and friendliest person one could ever meet. He had all A’s, and was considered a popular in school. So he couldn’t get happier right? Wrong. There was so much in his mind, so much going on, all the stupid little things stayed and all the good things vanished. He knew it was stupid, too. Because he knew that he was smart, and that he was cared and loved for but his mind thought the opposite.

There was no fixing this. He knew the symptoms and the consequences to this. He knew that if a person gets sad for no complete reason (which is when, for Thomas, the bomb goes off) that they could mild depression. He knew what was happening to him. He was slowly going insane with only his thoughts to help him through it. Meaning, they were dragging him closer to the end.

He felt selfish. He has a happy family and amazing friends, with an amazing school and amazing grades. Everything was going great for him, but then at the same time it wasn’t. It was a conflict with himself, the good or bad. His brain mostly went for the bad. When he was alone, it all came out. His brick wall was becoming chipped, the white paint dulled to a dead color and it was slowly becoming more and more bruised, courtesy of Thomas’s fist. When Newt asked him about it, gently holding his hand with the purplish marks with concern, Thomas just shrugging it off with an ‘I turned the wrong way and there so happened to be a wall there.’ Newt chuckled at that, while softly squeezing his hand before letting go completely, making Thomas a jumbled mess inside.

Thomas loved writing. Mostly because it was the only way to let his feelings go without hurting himself. He has a journal for this. The journal was filled with his thoughts, so how Thomas would describe it, “ _a fucked up work of art_.” Sometimes it was filled with happy thoughts, but that when he was mostly describing Newt. It was a rare occasion, though. Whenever he finished writing in this notebook Thomas always felt calmer and safer. It was like heaven, but that heaven was filled with dark thoughts, thoughts about suicide and self-harm. Something the real heaven wouldn’t allow. But here it was, his fucked up heaven.

As rude as it sounded, Thomas promised himself to never let that book and Newt (or anyone for that matter) be in the same room. Thomas has had to many nightmares of him leaving him after reading his journal, his mind. He always panicked when Newt or Minho came over, because that meant he had to hide his journal, his razors (he didn’t even use them, he was testing himself for how long it would be until he finally breaks) but most importantly, himself. He didn’t like it, lying to his best friends, but it felt safer to keep it to himself. Or maybe he was just waiting until he shattered.

Thomas was sitting at his desk, scribbling down in his red, worn out notebook when he heard the front door open and close, indicating that someone was inside. He didn’t think about it much because he thought it was his mom coming home, and she didn’t really come to his room unless needed. So he forgot about it until he thought he heard footsteps coming up the stairway. He frowned, his hand stopped writing and he was silently deciding if it was his imagination or not. He didn’t have time to decide, as his door was flung open and here came a wet blond mop of hair. Thomas widen his eyes as he looked to the British boy, then his eyes immediately turned to his notebook, to which he shut quickly and scrambles to get up to take a closer look at Newt (or to just distract him from the notebook).

“W-What the hell are you doing here, Newt?” He asked in a voice filled with shakiness. His eyes trailed up and down his friends body, eying how the rain drops went down his forearms before quickly looking back up to the blond with a slight blush. Newt was wearing a white tank top and since it was raining, Thomas could see through it. He tried so hard not to stare at his friends’ abs. He really did. Thomas ended up staring at the ground instead.

“What, am I not allowed at my best friends house now?” Newt said with a small smile as he took off his shirt. “I’m cold, is it okay if I lay down, Tommy?”

Thomas looked back up to see Newts chest. The paleness of it made his mouth water. He looked down more to see his abs to which Thomas accidentally hitched his breath. He kept staring while Newt looked confused before realizing that Thomas was checking him out. Newt instantly blushed; he felt his heart start beating in his chest. He was flustered for a few seconds before he gained confidence and coughed slightly to get Thomas’s attention.

“If you wanted to get into my pants, you could’ve bloody done that a long time ago.” Thomas looked up with a red face to see Newt smirking.

“Sorry,” _cough_ “Newt... yeah, sorry.” Thomas said while bringing a hand up to his neck while looking down.

Newt chuckled at Thomas. That bloody kid would be the death of him one day. Somehow he didn’t seem to mind. Thomas lifted his head to see Newts beautiful smile and he, himself, cracked a small grin.

“Just couldn’t get my eyes off of you, Newtie, I mean _damn_ , son.” Thomas said while slowly going over to Newt with a wicked grin.

Newt widen his eyes at the smile, he knew what Thomas was going to do. He started backing away before trying to run out of the room but Thomas was too fast. He grabbed Newt by the waist and dragged him to his bed, where he straddled him and tickled him. Newt stuttered out something Thomas didn’t understand and burst out laughing when Thomas tickled his sides. He started moving, trying to get out of Thomas’s hold but he was too strong. Newt felt like his sides were going to burst.

“T-Tommy, P-Please, oh, oh god!” Newt snickered out as tears fell down his cheeks. He looked like a kid with a huge grin on his face. He kept smacking Thomas’s chest until he finally stopped. When he did Newt let out a huge breath before looking at the brunet boy who lay next to him, equally breathless as he was. Newt has never seen a sight more beautiful. The sunlight hit his moles on the side of his face perfectly. He wouldn’t mind waking up to this beauty everyday.

Thomas loved these moments with Newt. He never felt as happy as he was with Newt. Newt made his whole day better. Newt was the reason he still hung on.

\--

It started in math class. Thomas was too busy staring at Newt, who had his back turned, to notice the snickering going on around him. He finally looked up when the schools bully, Gally, called him name.

“Hey, _Tommy_ , you didn’t tell us you were gay!” He said loudly, causing everyone to pay attention to the both of them, including Newt. Thomas stood frozen in fear as Gally went on.

“I mean, you’ve been staring at Newt this whole period, no wonder I always felt like you had gay vibes come off of you.” Out of the corner of his eye, Thomas saw Newt frown at that.

Thomas felt like he couldn’t breathe. Everybody was laughing along with Gally and it was humiliating. Thomas had truly felt like this moment, was his breaking moment. When he realized that he bolted out of class, not even caring that the teacher was shouting at him.

Newt was out of his seat in an instant and bolted to the door, but at the last minute the teacher blocked him. “You’re not going anywhere, Newton. Class is still going on.”

He looked at the teacher in full rage. Why couldn’t the teacher let him go after his best friend, _the love of his life_? For fucking class? Newt pushed forward but just as he was going to walk out, the fucking principal had to come in.

“Excuse me young man but where are you going?” The principal asked in the sweetest voice he could manage. Everyone cringed at how fake it was.

“I’m going to get my friend, now _excuse me_.” Newt bit out.

“I’m sure your friend will handle themselves. Go to your seat,” The principal lost his “sweet” voice and stared at Newt dead in the eyes. “Or do you want to be suspended?”

Newt stared at him with the same hate. Everyone could basically feel the tension around them; it started becoming uncomfortable for a few people. Newt huffed before turning around and muttering, “Rat man.” He spent the rest of the say with Thomas in his mind.

\--

Thomas, on the other hand, was not okay. He ran all the way home and immediately got out his journal. His mind came up with ‘poem’ and so he began to write.

Thomas put down his pen and looking at his new entry with heavy eyes. He’s tired, so very tired and he just wants to sleep, preferably forever. With that thought Thomas gets up and grabs his jacket, his heart already making the choice.

\--

After school ended for Newt, he burst out of the classroom and ran all the way to Thomas’s house. Newt wasn’t stupid. He knew something was wrong with Thomas but he didn’t press on, because he knew that one day Thomas would open up to him, like he always did.

When he got to the house he quickly called out a “Hello!” To Thomas’s mother who was just pulling into the drive through. He ran up the stairs, tripping on the last one before opening his best friends door only to find the bedroom empty. He looked around quickly, horrible thoughts entering his mind before his eyes stopped on his desk, a yellow dimmed light hovering over the paper with Thomas’s new entry.

Newt slowly walked to it, a feeling in his stomach, before he started reading the poem.

 

#  _I'm not thinking straight and I know you know that_

_Because I see you peeking around_

_Silently asking if I’m okay._

 

_But the truth is?_

_No, no I’m not okay._

_Because I see you around_

_And my heart is a play_

_Of a sad ending that it known today._

 

_That isn’t the best reference but it’s all I have._

_Because the nest that is my mind is actually a maze, and I am in a haze every time I go in it._

_I have concluded after countless nights that_

_There is no end in sight._

 

_I can tell you about my depressed life, but that’ll be a bore._

_I am known and called on for being a whore but that isn’t true._

_My best friend, the one I always go to_

_Where are you now?_

_There’s a tear where your name should be but I see that it is gone._

_What happened? Did something go wrong?_

_What have I done, because I swear to god I will fix it_

_Or you might as well hand me a gun._

 

_Please come back, I need you. Then we can hum together in perfect harmony and I can go back to my fantasy_

_When I’m with you._

_But that is gone when I’m by you, like you have faded, leaving a notebook that I have made just for you._

 

_Have I showed you it? I saw you poking around but you never went through it_

_Which I’m glad about, because sometimes I need privacy when I’m silently thinking._

_But I will not be here anymore so please, go through it._

_I am done going corridor after corridor only to find a wall, shielding me away, like I am a disease_

_And Oh please I know I am now let me through!_

 

_I am sorry that I have been your friend_

_Because you have wasted words and conversations to a person that is thinking about the end._

_In my head are stills and pictures of you_

_But they are slowly burning as I fall into a deep sleep_

_Where I will finally be happy but also weep_

_Because I cannot see you_

_I_ _am sorry my doe eyed boy, for I have failed you._

By the end of reading it, tears were streaming down Newts cheeks. He didn’t understand why the boy felt this way, but sometimes the world plays cruel jokes on certain people. The thought of Thomas... Newt couldn’t even finish it. He stood there, the notebook to his chest with dried tears on his face. Then the actual _thought_ of Thomas doing it hit him like a truck, and with that he ran out of the room to go wherever his heart lead him, hoping it was where Thomas was at.

His heart was right, perfectly right, and Newt thanked the heavens when he saw Thomas’s figure. He was quick to realize that Thomas was staring down into the ocean, as if it was daring him to jump. To Thomas, it was, and he was sure that it would win.

Newt slowly walked towards the boy that he fell for, and softly called out his name.

“Thomas?”

Thomas turned his head, even though he already knew who was talking to him. He looked down at the ocean again and whispered, “What?”

“Come here.” Newt demanded, an anger in his eyes, but the anger was at himself, for not realizing how truly broken his angel was.

“I can’t.”

“Tommy, please. You don’t know what you’re doing. Please.” Newt tried desperately while reaching a hand out.

Thomas turned around with tears in his eyes and his gaze landed on Newt, who also had tears. “No, Newt. This was meant to be I know it. Let me do it,” Thomas stared at Newt with sad eyes. The image broke Newts heart. “I want to die. It’s as simple as that.” Thomas neared the edge.

“N-No, Tommy, I’m your best _fucking friend_ I want you to live, you bastard!” Newts’ anger at himself finally got the best of him, and like he was another bomb in Thomas’s life, he exploded. Newt didn’t mean to yell at Thomas like that. The anger was for himself but Thomas took it the wrong way.

“The way you screamed at me said otherwise, Newt. _Just tell me_ and it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” Thomas cried out in pain, not physical but mental. “It’s gonna be okay, Newt. It’s gonna be okay.”

“ _No!_ ” Newt yelled at the top of his lungs. “No it’s fucking not gonna be okay because you know why? Because if you die tonight, right here, I’ll be fucking heartbroken, Tommy! You can’t just come into my life then- then _leave me_!” There was so many tears going down Newts face, it seemed like they would never stop. His voice was now painfully raw and he felt like he couldn’t breath. He couldn’t lose Thomas. Not here, not now. Not ever.

“What good have I brought to you, Newt? What do I do best, what am I capable of?” Thomas broke down, dropping to his knees as he cried. “I’m sick of being useless. I’m sick of being me!” Thomas screamed out into the cold air before breaking down, falling to his side as his cries shook his body.

Newt quickly ran to Thomas. He knelt down as he looked at the broken boy in front of him.

“I fucking love you, alright? I fucking love you.” He whispered as he brought Thomas to his chest.

“D-Don’t say things you’ll never mean.” Thomas whimpered as he tried to escape Newts hold so he could go to the edge.

“I do mean those words, you dick. Okay? I fucking love you and I’m just in love with you and my god, I’ll keep falling in love with you ‘till the day I’m dead.”

“Newt...” Thomas whispered as he finally looked up to the blond. There he saw his best friend crying, a painful expression on his face. But he also saw his love, his everything. His mind was in a haze as he pulled Newt down, closer, to press his lips against Newts.

Newt immediately responded, pushing Thomas down on the soft grass as he deepened the kiss.

This wasn’t how Newt imagined their first kiss but he didn’t mind, it was perfect to him. He felt the warmth of Thomas’s lips invade his. He felt the soft pressure against his lips as he forgot about everything around him. All he felt was the way Thomas held the back of his head, gently bringing him closer to his body. He felt Thomas’s cold nose nuzzle against his. He felt the brunets other hand softly drag against his back before making itself home on Newts waist. Everything around them was frozen in place, as they lay with each other, only caring about this moment.

Newt nuzzled into Thomas’s neck, as he dragged his hands under Thomas’s head, feeling the soft brown hair thread through his fingers. He felt the brunets hands slide fully around his back, the warmth of them seeping into his body. They held each other like that, until the sun waved goodbye, and left.

They both got up and Thomas felt slightly embarrassed. He looked at Newt with a sheepish smile while he rubbed his arm up and down.

“Sorry you had to see that.”

“It’s you and I love you. I needed to see that. Now I understand.” Newt said with a low voice as he buried himself in Thomas’s arms. He put his chin on his shoulder as he rubbed his back.

“I love you too.” And Thomas did the same, hugging his lover gently. Each move they made, every time they brought each other closer, it was all filled with love.

It’s always been filled with love, and they aren’t planning on letting go of this love anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> You make me blush.


End file.
